How to Overcome Mental Barriers To Negotiation Success

Lynne Maureen Hurdle is a conflict resolution strategist whose goal is to help people improve their relationship with conflict - from everyday disagreements to extremely difficult conversations. The author of The Closing Conflict for Leaders, Hurdle works to help leaders develop a solid foundation of conversations that lead to resolving conflicts.

Hurdle joined Negotiate Anything to discuss the mindsets that trip us up and the mental shifts most fundamental to successfully navigating difficult conversations.

Shifting Our Mindset

For successful negotiators, the most important mental shifts occur during the preparation phase. Oftentimes, people enter into negotiations with negative mindsets that keep them focused on what isn’t possible These thoughts get in the way of a successful negotiation or the opportunity to build a relationship.

“The battle is lost before you even say one word if your mind is not set on where you want to go, how you want it to happen and the outcome you would truly like to see,” Hurdle explained.

Essentially, a negative mindset can contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you expect to be manipulated or offered a bad deal, it will impact how you engage in the conversation. If you’re engaging based on offense or mistrust, you will miss opportunities to leverage real opportunities.

“Most people go into [negotiations] with a negative or war-like mindset since they are already uncomfortable with conflict resolution” Hurdle shared. “This is why people don’t want to negotiate things that are actually possible.”

To combat this negative mindset, Hurdle recommends taking a few deep breaths and remaining focused on what you want out of the negotiation and why. Some questions to ask yourself:

“Why am I in this?”

“Why do I want to have this conversation?

Whether it’s mending a relationship or negotiating a salary increase, it’s important to remain focused on your answer and remember that your “why” is more important than any fear.

Finally, Hurdle encourages negotiators to plan for how they will begin the conversation and practice this opening as often as possible.

“There is nothing wrong with rehearsing what you are going to say,” Hurdle stated. “Then sit back and observe what the reaction is to how you opened the conversation.”

Strategic Listening

Having committed to a few mental shifts, the next skill to conquer is strategic listening.

So what does that mean? According to Hurdle, strategic listening is listening for four things: issues, feelings, values and positions. What issues is this person sharing? What feelings does this person seem to experience (expressed and unexpressed)? What does this person value? Understanding values is especially critical as it's often what the conflict rests on.

Hurdle explained that typically, if negotiators focus on listening for these three things (issues, feelings, values) it becomes easier for them to bring resolution to any positional statements or threats. Essentially, focusing on your counterpart’s needs and values makes them feel heard and appreciated. When they feel heard or appreciated - trust is established.

“It’s important to get to the root of what is really happening for your counterpart- and naming it,” Hurdle explained.

Another important thing to note, strategic listening will usually be easier in professional settings.

“The deeper the relationship you have with somebody, the more painful it will probably be,” she shared.

Hurdle encourages listeners to embrace this challenge and acknowledge the fact that failure is okay because redemption is possible.

“It’s ok to re-visit the conversation after an initial failure or breakdown in communications,” Hurdle explained. “We are not taught this strategy and [we] are oftentimes afraid of it - but it works.”

The Role of Culture

Culture has a tremendous influence on our everyday actions and behaviors - the same is true for our negotiations.

“For me, culture is one of those things that is easily ignored because we don’t really see it,” Hurdle said, elaborating on the significance of cultural understanding, “ but it’s here influencing us when we do not know.”

Understanding cultural differences in speech and body language is key to productive conversations. For example, whereas in some cultures avoiding eye contact is deemed disrespectful, in others it’s actually a sign of the utmost respect. The same goes for silence—for some it’s a sign of deference and respect and for other cultures it may imply disconnection or apathy. The bottom line: avoid judging somebody’s level of respect based on one cultural interpretation. This also underscores the importance of preparation as this would be the ideal time to research your counterpart and gain some understanding of their cultural norms.

Hurdle shared that culture can also be weaponized. Oftentimes within families, culture has a tremendous influence on what we come to value, how we communicate with others, and which behaviors we come to understand as acceptable vs. unacceptable. Because of this, coded words and body language can quickly signal to a person that their decision or behavior is culturally unacceptable—at which point they can become influenced to decide against what they really want.

“That’s the thing about culture—you don’t even have to use explicit words,” Hurdle said.

It’s conversations like these that really highlight the importance of a positive mindset and strategic listening. The relationships are deeper and the values are stronger, which means your “why” is likely that much more important. Remain focused on what you’re trying to achieve and practice active listening to find common ground and resolution.

To learn more about Hurdle’s work, visit https://lynnemaureenhurdle.com/. Listen to the full episode of Negotiate Anything here.